Muslim comedian Hasan Minhaj was nearly unwatchable by average non-liberal Americans during his set at the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday, but he gave a blistering critique of the top three cable news networks that dropped some jaws.
Note: You won’t miss anything if you skip the first minute, bashing Fox News with stupid jokes. He saved the best for CNN.
- “MSNBC is here tonight and I’m glad you guys are here. That way if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as ‘stunning.'”
- “It’s hard to trust you guys when you send us so many mixed messages. On one hand you tell us the prison industrial complex is is the problem and then you air five straight hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be mad at corporations profiting off of minorities in prison when you’re a corporation profiting off of minorities in prison.”
- “Please tell Rachel Maddow to chill with Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there but there isn’t going to be a line item that says ‘bribes from Russia.”
- You’re the liberal news outlet. We dress the same. I look like a Melanin version of Chris Hayes. I want to root for you guys but you’re turning into conspiracy theorists. Every night you’re like ‘The Russians hacked out elections! The Russians hacked our elections!. Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and the Middle East is like “Woah, a foreign government tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell MSNBC.”
- “Pump the brakes. We’re only on day 100. By the end of the year you guys are all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks.”
- “I had a lot more MSNBC jokes but I don’t want to just ramble on. Otherwise I might get a show on MSNBC.”
- “You guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not gonna call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news. You can’t go to DEFCON 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer.”
- “Every time a story breaks you have nine boxes on the screen. I’m trying to watch the news not pick a player in street fighter. It’s giving me anxiety. If you have nine experts on a panel, what is your barrier of entry? ‘Here to talk about transportation infrastructure is my Uber driver Gary.'”
- “‘CNN Tonight’ should just be called ‘Wait a second. Now hold on. Stop yelling at each other, with Don Lemon.'”
- “Every time I watch CNN it feels like you’re assigning me homework. ‘Is Trump a Russian spy? I don’t know. You tell me tweet us @AC360.’ No you tell me. I’m watching the news. But it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news.”
- “Fox News is here. I’m amazed you guys even showed up. How are you here in public? It’s hard to trust you guys when you backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then you gave him a $25 million severance package. Making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch.”
- “You guys are having a hard time with Jesse Watters right now too. He’s on a break right now. Righhhhhhht. He’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying at a farm upstate. I get it. I know that move.”
- “As a Muslim I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play Call of Duty. Sometimes I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage.”
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