One of former President Donald J. Trump’s greatest fears allegedly was being “pied.”

At least that’s what we’re being told by Michael Cohen, Trump’s former personal lawyer. Cohen has been disbarred from practicing law in the state of New York and was convicted on various charges, including tax evasion and perjury.

According to the Daily Beast, which reviewed transcripts of Cohen’s recent testimony in a secret deposition, Trump’s fears of getting pied date to an incident in which billionaire Microsoft co-founder and newly-minted medical expert Bill Gates took a cream pie right to the kisser. That happened in 1998 when Gates was meeting with EU officials in Brussels, and it apparently left a lasting impression on Trump.

“For some reason, that upset Mr. Trump terribly,” Cohen explained in the deposition. “We were all instructed that if somebody was to ever throw anything at him, that if that person didn’t end up in the hospital, we’d all be fired.”

After all, that sounds pretty reasonable.

Cohen also implied in his testimony that Trump was obsessed with being pied, and regularly instructed his longtime bodyguard Keith Schiller to keep a lookout for projectile pies.

“It wasn’t just one time,” Cohen informed the Daily Beast. “It was an ongoing and regular thing. As he would go out to various different open venues, he would always remind Keith [Schiller] to keep his eyes open. He never would turn around and say, ‘If anyone throws a rock or a bottle.’ It’s always a pie. He always brought up that pie thing.”

Evidently, fruits weren’t the only ballistic edibles feared by Trump.

“It’s very dangerous stuff,” Trump said in a sworn deposition in October, made in response to an upcoming trial in New York. That trial involves a lawsuit alleging that Trump had his security staff rough up some “protestors” outside Trump Towers during his 2016 presidential campaign.

“You can get killed with those things,” he continued, referring to dangerous projectile fruits, including tomatoes, pineapples, and even bananas. And he’s not wrong about that. The strange line of questioning began when Trump was asked about past humorous statements at his rallies, including one 2016 rally in which he asked his supporters to “knock the crap” out of anyone who threw tomatoes at him.

“The security guys, we have wonderful security guys,” Trump said at the rally. “They said, ‘Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience.’

“So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. OK, just knock the hell…I promise you I will pay for the legal fees. I promise…I promise. They won’t be so much because the courts agree with us, too—what’s going on in this country…”

So far, the former president has managed to avoid dangerous fruits and cream pies to the face, so his security team seems to have gotten the message.

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Todd Jaquith

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"Originally from South Florida, Todd Jaquith now lives in sunny Santa Fe, New Mexico. He holds a degree in Anthropology from Florida Atlantic University."

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