Michael Matteo: A progressively woke Christmas offers ‘Seasons Bleatings’

Op-ed views and opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

It’s Season’s Bleatings for the church of the woke-progressive sheep whose mantra involves the following chant: America is systemically racist. Silence is violence. Race is the most important aspect of how people should be judged. If someone “identifies” as anything, everyone else must respect it. Diversity, Equity and Inclusivity (defined in very different ways than previous conventional knowledge) must be employed in all situations. Capitalism is evil. Socialism is great. Neo Segregation is good. Equal opportunity is bad. Merit is bad. Diversity is good. The norm is fluid. There are 2 groups: Victims and Victimizers. If a word doesn’t suit the woke agenda, change its meaning or just create a new word. Feelings are more important than facts or logic when making decisions. It is the duty of every social justice warrior to seek out injustice and cancel the unjust, etc. etc.

Each year, woke-progressives are out in full force attempting to demand that people do things their way and nothing, not even Christmas standards are exempt. In past Christmas rants “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was said to be problematic, homophobic and racist. (the residents of Christmas Town are all nasophobes.)  More recently, films like “The Holiday” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” are on cancellation lists due to the claim that they are rampant with “toxic masculinity.” The “Santa Clause” was accused of being fat-phobic and the list of complaints goes on and on.

One would think that of all the movies to target for cancellation, “It’s A Wonderful Life” would get a pass since it’s a movie where the struggling to survive protagonist, George Bailey, outduels the evil capitalist, Mr. Potter, and the day is won with everyone coming to the aid of George and proving the idea that wealth is measured by friendships and not dollars.  However, when it comes to finding fault, nothing is beyond the scope of woke-progressives, who find new ways of being offended on a daily basis.

Hollywood is obsessed with being progressively woke, so it’s only a matter of time for them to come out with woke substitutes for the classics that fall prey to cancel culture.  Here are some alternative suggestions to replace holiday classics deemed to be offensive that might appeal to woke audiences or people in comatose, brain-dead conditions:

  1. “A Christmas Karen:” The story of Karen Scrooge, a teacher accused of not being anti-racist enough, who is visited by the spirits of Diversity, Inclusion and Equity who convince her to self-flagellate after waking up on Christmas morning and “unpacks the knapsack” of her white privilege, recognizes her white fragility and vows to teach her first-graders the tenets of critical race theory, as she instructs students that their race makes them oppressed or the oppressors.
  2. “It’s A Miserable Life:” The story of a poly-gendered person who has wealth, beauty and privilege, but in a world where everyone must feel guilty about something, this character struggles with being unable to find something that will allow “them” to claim victim status.
  3. “Miserable on 34th Street:” The story of an obsessive compulsive who considers “themselves” to be Adamasgender: a gender that refuses to be categorized, who struggles with not being in a category to meet the needs of being obsessive compulsive. Driven to suicidal thoughts by choosing a gender that is not compatible with “their” psychological condition, the main character seeks the help of an ANTIFA therapist and discovers setting other people’s property on fire is a great stress reducer.
  4. “The Grinches Who Stole Your Culture:” A tale of cultural appropriation, as the people who move in next door identify as Antegender: a protean gender which has the potential to be anything, but is formless and motionless, and therefore, does not manifest as any particular gender, but who insist on imitating the cultural customs of their neighbors and upsetting the peace of a once normal neighborhood.
  5. A new animated classic: The Fluid Christmas Tree: The story of a transgendered Christmas tree that refuses to allow anyone to purchase it if the new owners insist on placing balls on its branches due to its designation as Femfluid: having fluctuating or fluid gender feelings that are limited to feminine genders, and how it becomes outcast by transphobic Christmas trees who refuse to accept its fluidity.
  6. Exploitation at the North Pole: An investigative report of an elf who files a lawsuit against Santa Claus and the ensuing trial of Santa for not paying his elves a living wage, discrimination against toys who are labeled misfits and sent to an island as punishment for being “differently-abled.”
  7. A Socialist Christmas: 3 Wise Women (the Squad) & Alexandria Ocasio Cortex seek out Pocahontas (Elizabeth Warren) to receive guidance in how to embark on a crusade to tax the rich, redistribute income to the poor and get all of their college loans paid off by the federal government. They also decide that Washington is not the best place for the federal government of the United States and embark on a plan to move the capital to the North Pole, and rename Congress Santa’s Workshop since their idea about the job of the federal government is to give out free stuff.
  8. Frosty the No Man: Children create a Novigender (A gender that is super complex and impossible to describe in a single term) snowman, who insists on being labeled a “snow person.”  When the children decide to melt the snowman and create a more agreeable ice sculpture, the snow person enlists the help of the ACLU and sues the children for discrimination.


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Michael Matteo


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