The American people seem to be confronted with new made-up evils every week. This week did not disappoint.
What’s on the chopping block this time?
The New York Times reported the seemingly sinister nature of showers and appeared to encourage their readers to embrace the practice of only bathing once per week. Providing anecdotal evidence, they showed that COVID-19 has made people bathe less and, in doing so, feel “environmentally virtuous, practical and freeing.”
“Pig Pen is finally vindicated,” Fox News host Greg Gutfeld comically said in reaction to the article during Friday’s “Gutfeld!”
“Like all lame stories meant to scold you for being normal, they relied on people in their own circle to interview,” he said.
(Video: Fox News)
Possibly because they were unable to find any real experts to interview on the topic, the Times interviewed a writer in Redding, Conn. The writer, and now apparently a shower-habit-expert, claimed a precise 20% drop in her shower use over the last year. One has to wonder if she keeps a tally on her shower mirror with lipstick marking each shower she takes, lest so much time goes by in between showers that she forgets when she last bathed.
Likely to the appreciation of many, she explained that she does still try to mask her body odor with deodorant and takes a daily sponge bath at her sink to wash “the parts that need to be done.”
Gutfeld hopes she is fact-checked by smelling her armpits and believes the reduction in showers may help explain the reduction in birth rates.
The article explained that frequent bathing is a more recent phenomenon, beginning around the turn of the 20th century when people began to move into cities. Gutfield reacted to remind viewers that it was around the same time as things as revolutionary as indoor plumbing, penicillin, and missing fingers.
The British were reported to have reduced daily showers by 17% during the pandemic, a fact which Gutfield aptly points out is evident by taking one look at Boris Johnson’s hair, which incidentally seems to have its own Twitter account.
— Boris Johnson’s hair (@borisstupidhair) February 10, 2021
“So if Brits stopped bathing, it raises the question, how could you tell?” Gutfield commented. “Was that before or after they stopped brushing their teeth? Maybe they just want to be French.”
Assistant environmental science professor Andrea Armstrong from Lafayette College in Easton, Pa, who has a title that might be synonymous with “radical left-wing indoctrination specialist,” is very supportive of reducing the number of showers people take.
“It pains me to think of fracking every time I take a shower and uses my hot water heater in the home,” said Professor Armstrong. “I’m in Pennsylvania. There is not much of a choice.”
Rounding out his monologue, Gutfeld noted that the Times tried “to shame us for using soap because it’s made of petroleum. This is all coming from a newspaper, which is made of trees – to produce each week’s Sunday paper alone it’s estimated that a half million trees must be murdered.”
“Once again, the superior minds at the Times tells us we are living selfishly… Not a single editor or writer complies with their own prescriptions. Just writing about is their sacrifice,” Gutfeld concluded. “It’s no wonder that while their editors claim not to take a bath, the paper actually is. It’s elitism without a whiff of irony, and that’s why their dirty drawers aren’t the only thing that stinks.”
Not everyone is sold on the push to reduce cleanliness. Twitter users seemed to be on the clean side of this argument and weren’t sold on the anti-shower propaganda.
Things I wish the New York Times cared less about: my daily shower.
— Travis Mayfield 😷🏳️🌈 (@TravisMayfield) May 7, 2021
I’m sick of my disgusting coworkers stinking up the place
You people need to shower, if not for my sake, for your sake
not shower leads to higher risk of infection
please never listen to the New York Times https://t.co/xtAtrhLVDF
— narcisaurus (@narcisaurus) May 6, 2021
— D’Alejandro ✡🎗🌿 (@alejandaddario) May 6, 2021
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