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Gutfeld sounds off: PUBLIC Mueller report turned media to ‘shrieking toddlers soiling diapers … it’s not Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse, you jacka**es’

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This weekend on Fox News’ “The Greg Gutfeld Show,” comedian and host Greg Gutfeld excoriated the demonstrably left-wing mainstream media for behaving like “shrieking toddlers” and refusing to accept that President Donald Trump neither colluded with Russian operatives nor obstructed justice.

“What a daycare center our media’s become. A collection of shrieking toddlers soiling their diapers all over the Mueller report. They’re now screaming ‘cover-up,’ forgetting that the report is public,” he said.

He referenced the media’s latest conspiracy theory, which is that Attorney General Bill Barr is conspiring with President Donald Trump to cover up the president’s alleged crimes.

“Look, you dopes, if you’re going to spin a conspiracy theory, make it about UFOs, or Bigfoot or what’s in Rachel Maddow’s coffee, but not something that is available to everyone, because we all know what’s in the report. This is not Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse, you jackasses,” Gutfeld added.

Listen to the first part of his monologue below:

Roughly two-and-a-half weeks ago, the AG released special counsel Robert Mueller’s report to the public. That report essentially exonerated the president of alleged Russian collusion but made no conclusions about obstruction of justice, instead saying that there’s wasn’t enough to evidence to prove either scenario — that the president had obstructed justice, or that he hadn’t.

After reviewing the evidence for themselves, Barr and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein concluded that no, Trump did not obstruct justice. Congressional Democrats take issue with this ruling, as do their allies in the demonstrably far-left mainstream media.

They therefore demanded Barr appear before Congress to answer questions about his handling of the Mueller report. While the AG did sit with the Senate on Wednesday, he refused to appear for a House hearing Thursday because of House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler’s draconian demands. According to Democrats and the media, this makes Barr guilty of obstruction of justice.

“And yet here they go,” Gutfeld continued before playing a montage of left-wing media personalities whining about Barr and Trump’s alleged obstruction, including a clip of CNN host Alisyn Camerota saying that recent events have “broken my spirit.”

“Oh dear, they’ve  broken her spirit,” he said afterward in mockery of Camerota. “Get a hobby!”

“So now it’s about Barr, a guy whose resting face at the hearing looks like Ralphie after Santa tells him, ‘You’ll shoot your eye out kid.’ And all he did, all he said was what Mueller said.”

“Barr got that report out in full before the media could smear their goofball sauce all over it, and when it wasn’t to their liking, they had to attack not what’s in the report but how the report was released. That’s like returning a Christmas present because you didn’t like the wrapping paper.”

That appears to be exactly what’s happening. Democrats and their media allies are, it would seem, so devastated by the collapse of the Russian collusion delusion conspiracy theory that they’re now attaching themselves to new and even more inane conspiracy theories.

Listen to part two of the monologue below:

“And remember, this absurd hearing is about something that’s been over and done with,” Gutfeld added, referencing the missed Thursday hearing that the left has been crying about. “For these losers, it’s like having the engagement party after your fiance already dumped you.”

“But the media has self-induced amnesia. Remember last March?”

Upon the conclusion of Mueller’s investigation in March, Barr issued a public memo outlining the investigation’s conclusions, as well as his and Rosenstein’s ruling on obstruction of justice. These rulings and conclusions haven’t changed since March, yet the crying continues nonetheless.

“Now we’re talking two months later, and they act like it’s still news to them,” Gutfeld noted. … So you know what my definition of insanity is? Journalists hitting their head with the same mallet every day, thinking it will change facts.”

It’s like watching the same movie over and over again but expecting a different ending.

“Each Christmas we watch ‘Die Hard,'” he explained. “We know the ending. We know the good guy wins. The media and the Dems however, they watch the same movie, and they keep thinking the ending’s going to change. And when it doesn’t there go the bladders.

“So they held a hearing because they didn’t like how this movie ended, and they keep trying to remake it into a costume drama featuring their favorite leading lady.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton, i.e., the woman Trump defeated in the 2016 presidential election. She’s been critical of Barr since day one. This week she criticized him, the president and the Mueller report. She also claimed that she lives “rent free inside of Donald Trump’s brain.”

Listen:

“Living rent-free in Trump’s brain? Well at least that way you can say you’re back in the White House,” Gutfeld said to raucous applause in what was no doubt the most stinging zinger of the night.

“I love it though that she’s giving analysis on obstruction. I wonder if while she’s doing that she’s sitting on a hammered BlackBerry,” he added, referencing Clinton’s own obstruction of justice.

“So once again we see the media and the Dems colluding to keep the Russian story alive. That’s because conflict sells. And if you subtract the collusion BS from our daily lives, what’s left?”

The lowest unemployment rate in 50 years.

HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING …

“But good news doesn’t sell, and it won’t elect a Democrat, so Democrats play along,” Gutfeld said.

And so they keep pulling stunts like the one pulled by congressman Steve Cohen, who eats a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken at the hearing Thursday in mockery of Barr’s absence.

“Now why would Steve Cohen, a Democrat, bring fried chicken to a hearing?” Gutfeld said. “For his constituents, the American people? No. He did it for the cameras, because there’s nothing more appealing than some old gas-bag smearing his jowls with deep-fried carcass grease. By the way, I believe this is considered a porn in Michael Moore’s bedroom.”

“And so the hacks collude to resuscitate a dead story, giving mouth-to-mouth to a corpse that’s been decomposing for weeks. They call it love. I call it abusing a cadaver.”

HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING …

Vivek Saxena

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