Going to the grocery store has become a daunting task since the arrival of coronavirus to American shores, but every so often one will come across a situation so hilarious in its stupidity that it makes the whole situation worth it.
That’s what happened to Emily Annette when she decided to do a bit of shopping despite the COVID-19 scare. She soon discovered that bare shelves and long check lines were the least of her worries.
“Y’all, I’m a middle-aged woman and up until today I have managed to not ever have to do a rant video on Facebook but apparently today is my day,” Annette opens her video. “I just left the grocery store and as we all know, the coronavirus, COVID-19, whatever we’re calling it this week has driven people completely insane.”
The delivery is nothing short of cinematic as she recalls standing in line behind a woman who seemed to know everything about the fundamentals of mitigating the spread of coronavirus, but had absolutely no common sense whatsoever.
“The woman in line in front of me, just apropos of nothing, just starts shrieking at the poor young guy ringing her up that he has just touched his face and that he must, therefore, wash his hands,” she notes. “Just shrieking this to the top of her lungs so I’m assuming she surely to God must be the head of the CDC because she says it with such conviction, and by the way lady it’s ‘you’re not supposed to touch your face,’ doesn’t matter so much if he touches his, but I digress.”
She then continued to explain that the young cashier couldn’t take a break in the middle of ringing up a customer to go wash his hands, and instead opts to use the world’s smallest amount of hand sanitizer that would merely “kill off two small, weak germs.”
“The little guy says ‘I can’t wash my hands right now,’ she says ‘I’ll wait.’ Great, we’ll all wait I guess, lady,” Annette mutters, visibly retroactively irritated by the woman’s absurd hysterical behavior even now that she’s alone in her vehicle.
“He says ‘I have hand sanitizer.‘ So he takes like a quarter of a little squirt, does his little thing on his hands for about a quarter of a second, which basically would have just served to incite a riot and maybe kill off two small, weak germs,” she recounted humorously. “To which the head of the CDC in her kitten-covered lab coat nods and fervently agrees that he’s saved the universe with that.”
While that may seem silly enough by itself, that interaction alone wasn’t what prompted Emily to film her very first “rant video.” It was something much more special, and much more stupid.
“He kinda refrains from rolling his eyes which I think makes him a saint, and then she goes on to whip out her credit card and use the debit pad,” Annette huffs, getting to the climax of her story. “That every finger-licking, booger-picking, double-digit IQ idiot has touched all day long. After going to the bathroom and not washing their hands.”
But it wasn’t just the debit pad that “the head of the CDC” should have been worried about, according to her. In fact, every product that had been purchased had been handled by several other people who had all “left their little touch and trace of germs” on them. Perhaps, she suggests, they had even “picked up chicken juice” while going down the conveyor belt to be rung up. “But thank God that kid used that quarter of a squirt of Purell. She has saved the day and kept us all safe from the coronavirus.”
In closing out her video, Annette leaves us with a piece of advice: “Touch your face,” she says, repeatedly touching her face with her hand. “Just touch it. It’s all that’s left.”
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