Op-ed views and opinions expressed are solely those of the author.
Attention Anheuser-Busch!
Here’s a proposal that could take your terminal Bud Light brand off life support and miraculously breathe new life into that flatlining brewski.
In every bar I’ve been to the past few weeks I hear morbid jokes about the dying brand. Nobody wants it. Even people who traditionally quaff and really liked the stuff don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I’ve watched people who have been offered free Bud Lights turn them down.
The LGBTQ+ crowd doesn’t even want it. It’s been reported that gay bars in Chicago are boycotting Bud Light because they say it hasn’t fully supported Dylan Mulvaney, the giggling bozo in a tub portrayed holding a Bud Light, who says he’s a gal and is a key player in this marketing mess.
The right’s mad, the left’s mad and Bud’s numbers are bad. And they’re getting worse reports “Beer Business Daily.”
The Bud Light marketing organization’s incomprehensible decision to align their beer with a transvestite girly-boy has alienated 99.99 percent of beer-swilling Americans including the brewery’s entire contingent of Bud Light-guzzling men. Beer-drinking guys don’t want to be associated with a giggling bubble bath-bathing bizarro, bra-wearing buffoon boosting a Bud. They say being seen buying or drinking a Bud Light labels them as part of that deviant lifestyle.
While the company’s two marketing geniuses have been exiled to the pit of misery and are shoo-ins for the Marketing Hall of Shame, Anheuser-Busch has also reportedly blamed and fired a “third-party ad agency” for the brand’s demise. The promotional fiasco has so far prompted a nationwide sales plunge of almost 25 percent and cost the company about $5 billion.
But wait! I have an idea that will resurrect the sinking brew faster than the firm can blow the head off this “New Coke” promotional disaster.
Are you ready Anheuser Busch? Grab a piece of paper and a pencil and write this down: “Tucker Carlson!”
Tucker is a guy’s kind of guy. Every red-blooded American male would like to have a beer with the likable outspoken conservative commentator. He had the largest cable news audience in America until Fox, in a Bud Light marketing moment, unceremoniously sacked him.
Bud Light had the largest-selling beer among men in the U.S. and destroyed that in less than a week while Fox blew up its number one cable rating numbers in just a day.
The marriage of Bud Light and Tucker Carlson is a marketing match made in heaven.
Slap a picture of Tucker on Bud Light cans and the beer’s branding problems are over. They may lose the transgender crowd, but how many of them even drink the stuff? None. They represent less than 0.0001 percent of the population if that. What’s Bud Light got left to lose?
Oh, they’ll lose Democrats. But Democrats don’t buy beer. They demand that others buy it for them or that the companies give it to them.
The company’s only hurdle now is convincing Tucker. He won’t come cheap, but neither was tanking one of the best-selling beer brands in America.
As for Fox News, maybe they can convince Bill O’Reilly to come back. Otherwise, that 8 p.m. weekday slot will continue to hemorrhage viewers.
You’re welcome Anheuser-Busch. The invoice is in the mail.
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