Somehow, you just knew Fox New host Tucker Carlson would be must-see TV after President Joe Biden’s first news conference since taking office, and Carlson did not disappoint.
The much anticipated event featured Biden forgetting what he was talking about at one point, spreading falsehoods about efforts to ensure voter integrity and rejecting transparency, which is apparently acceptable to much of the White House press pool.
Heavy on the sarcasm, Carlson was on fire in his critique of what could only be called a disaster — outside of NBC News, where a reporter said Biden was “knocking this out of the park.”
Pointing to the president’s painfully slow delivery, Carlson said, “You’ve heard the term ‘pregnant pause?’ Joe Biden’s pauses were third-trimester quintuplets. These pauses were ready to burst.”
There were only 25 reporters allowed to attend the press conference and Biden called on ten preapproved reporters to ask questions, using a chart that circled the approved journalists — Fox News White House reporter Peter Doocy was not one of the ten. The president also had small cheat sheets with bullet points on various topics, and at times gave his answer by reading directly from them.
(Video: Fox News)
After losing his train of though completely in the middle of one answer and a long pause, Biden tried to salvage the moment by saying, “We’re ready to get a lot done.”
“Got that, America? We’re gonna get a lot done,” Carlson said. “A lot. Of course, we’ll get a whole lot more done, and confuse far fewer people, if we go ahead and read our policy positions from small pieces of paper that others have painstakingly prepared for us. That way, we won’t lose consciousness in mid-sentence, or accidentally start a war.”
He noted Biden’s response to a question about North Korea to deadpan that it’s got to be real intimidating to Pyongyang watching Biden read his position from a card.
“North Korea is facing not just Joe Biden’s masculinity, but an entire piece of paper with instructions on it that Joe Biden is perfectly willing to read any time he needs to,” Carlson said with a straight face. “That cue card is Joe Biden’s secret weapon in the fight against nuclear proliferation. You can breathe easy, America.”
Turning to voter integrity, where Biden likened efforts to secure the voting process to Jim Crow on steroids, the Fox News host continued with the sarcasm.
“There are some people in America — bigots, let’s just call them what they are — who are demanding that we ought to know voters’ identities before we let them choose our government,” Carlson said. “They want people to show IDs at the polls, if you can even imagine, in 2021. These bigots, Joe Biden explained today, are Republicans.”
He then took to mocking Biden heavily for using the term “Jim Eagle” — this being a laughable attempt to suggest something worse than Jim Crow.
“Jim Eagle? Who’s Jim Eagle? A comic book hero from the ’50s? Some kind of dog-faced pony soldier?” Carlson asked. “We didn’t know who Jim Eagle was, so we went scurrying to our Google machine to look it up. Then we realized — duh! — we’re being way too literal here. It’s an analogy. Crow. Eagle. They’re both birds, but an eagle is much bigger than a crow. That means that asking people to show a driver’s license when they vote is much more racist than segregation and lynchings. Segregation and lynchings were Jim Crow. Voter IDs are Jim Eagle. Way worse.”
Carlson proceeded to expose the Democratic Party myth that many black people do not have identification, noting that without one, a person “can’t drive cars, or fly on airplanes, or hold jobs or stay in hotels, or go to the doctor, or cash checks, or sign rental agreements, or buy homes, or open bank accounts, or purchase Sudafed at CVS.”
Perhaps, the funniest line from Carlson came when he focused on 78-year-old Biden saying he will run for reelection in four years.
“Now, we weren’t in the room when Joe Biden said that, but according to those who were, there was an audible gasp of horror from behind the curtain,” he said. “Sources said it sounded very much like Kamala Harris. We can’t confirm that. But we can tell you that Joe Biden has already picked a theme for his next campaign. The theme is unity.”
Almost comically, Biden said at Thursday’s press conference, “I’ve been uniting the country… based on the polling data.”
When Biden was politely asked if he’d “commit to transparency” and allow the media inside a border facility holding thousands of migrant children, the president replied, “I will commit to transparency as soon as I am in a position to be able to implement what we’re doing right now.”
In other words, we’ll let you in after we clean up the humanitarian disaster unfolding.
“Well, that’s kind of unusual,” Carlson said. “You don’t often hear a politician admit that he’s rejecting openness and embracing secrecy. They usually lie about that. But not Joe Biden. Biden tends to say the unspoken things out loud. ‘We’re as opaque as a shower curtain,’ he told the press corps today, ‘and there’s nothing you can do about it.'”
Closing out the monologue, Carlson singled out Democratic talking head disguised as a PBS reporter Yamiche Alcindor calling Biden a “moral, decent man” while asking a fluff question on immigration.
“When you call a man ‘moral’ and ‘decent’ in your question to him, it kind of sets the frame, as they say,” Carlson said. “But the bottom line is a ‘moral, decent man’ is running this country, ladies and gentlemen. That’s the message of unity. And by the way, it’s a required message — so repeat it to yourself five times and then repeat it to everyone you know. If you don’t, you’re racist.”
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