Toobin begins epic comeback from Zoom masturbation scandal, ‘stroking it’ in first round of ‘Liberal Hack Tournament’

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Masturbating CNN analyst Jeffrey Toobin has made a rootin’-tootin’ comeback, sort of.

While he hasn’t been seen on air ever since he “accidentally” exposed his penis during a Zoom call with his former co-workers at The New Yorker last year, he has made an appearance in the second annual “Liberal Hack Tournament” by the Ruthless Podcast.

Hosted by GOP operatives Josh Holmes, Michael Duncan and Shashank Tripathi, the latter of whom goes by the alias “Comfortably Smug” on Twitter, each year the podcast runs a “Liberal Hack Tournament” on Twitter to determine the liberal hack of the year.

Last year’s winner was CNN’s Brian Stelter, a man who styles himself as a media reporter and critic, but who in reality functions as the mainstream media’s clean-up crew/janitor and as its attack dog against all non-establishment media.

Returning to Toobin, while he was featured in the “Establishment” bracket last year, and he did beat off fellow CNN’er Ryan Lizza in the first round, he was unable to beat off MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough in the second. Sad.

However, the masturbating analyst now has a chance at an epic comeback thanks to the 2021 return last week of the “Liberal Hack Tournament.”

Featured again in the “Establishment” bracket this year, Toobin scored an upset victory in the first round by defeating ABC News’ Matthew Dowd:

His victory inspired many puns.


What a bunch of immature jackoffs!

To make it to the third round, Toobin must now beat off Jonah Goldberg, a Never Trump “conservative” who used to write for National Review.

Now, while Goldberg has certainly faced intense scrutiny over his anti-Trump fervor, he does boast a legitimate conservative background.

Earlier this month, he slammed comedians for claiming it’s difficult to make fun of President Joe Biden.

“[W]hen you hear people say it’s impossible to make fun of Joe Biden, what they’re really saying is that they can’t (or won’t) do it, or that they don’t want anyone else to try,” he wrote for The Dispatch.

But by the same token, last week he accused Republicans of “actively working to make it harder for Democrats — disproportionately black and Latino Democrats—to vote.” That was a blatant lie and clear-cut liberal talking point.

Still, it’s hard to argue that he’s as much of a liberal as Toobin, which bodes exceptionally well for the infamous self-pleasurer.

Amid former President Donald Trump’s first impeach in early 2020, Toobin slammed the then-president’s legal team for its lack of so-called “diversity.” And then in 2019, he tore into then-Attorney General Bill Barr for rightly pointing out that the Obama administration had spied on Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

If by chance Toobin does win the second round, he’ll then go up against either Bill Kristol or Rachel Maddow — both of whom are far more formidable opponents.

The fact is that there are at least a few instances of the CNN analyst praising then-President Trump. No such instances exist with Kristol and Maddow.

Below is a list of all the other liberal hacks who made it into the second round:

  • Jennifer Rubin
  • Wahajat Ali
  • Nikole Hannah-Jones
  • John Harwood
  • Steve Schmidt
  • Ana Navarro
  • Jake Tapper
  • Max Boot
  • Brian Stelter
  • April Ryan
  • S.E. Cupp
  • Yamiche Alcindor
  • Chris Hayes
  • Joy Reid
  • Don Lemon
  • Jim Acosta
  • Chuck Todd
  • Joe Scarborough
  • Jane Mayer
  • Chris Cuomo
  • Taylor Lorenz
  • Judd Legum
  • Oliver Darcy
  • Aaron Rupar
  • John Weaver (of the Lincoln Project)
  • Dave Weisel
  • Kyle Griffin
  • Chris Cillizza

Can Toobin beat off all these? That remains to be seen, though God willing, he’ll pull it off!


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