Police in Oregon beseech residents to stop calling 911 when out of toilet paper, offer hilarious alternatives

Screengrab NBC

Yes, not having toilet paper when you really need it may seem like a real emergency, however, busy police departments would appreciate it if you can refrain from dialing 911 and asking for help.

The Newport Police Department, located in Oregon, took to social media to plead with residents to stop calling 911 when they run out of toilet paper.

With the Americans sufficiently whipped into a state of near-panic by the media over-hyping the coronavirus outbreak, toilet paper and hand soap were the very first commodities to go, as panic buying began to empty grocery shelves.

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance,” the Newport Police Department posted on its official Facebook page.

Which is not to say that the department wasn’t willing to serve the community as best they can in the face of such a crisis, offering a hilarious history lesson sure to make you appreciate your blessings today.

It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You…

Posted by Newport Oregon Police Department on Saturday, March 14, 2020

 

“In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue,” the advisory noted.

“Seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water,” the NPD said. “Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We’re a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used.”

Understanding people have different preferences, the department didn’t stop there.

“Mayans used corn cobs. Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob,” the post added. “Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac. Many Americans took advantage of the numerous pages torn from free catalogs such as Sears and Roebuck. The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal.”

The NPD advised that there are alternatives to toilet paper, naming “grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now.”

Followers are also reminded that leaves can make for a handy replacement.

“When all else fails, you have magazine pages,” the post said in conclusion. “Start saving those catalogs you get in the mail that you usually toss into the recycle bin. Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.”

But again, we’re talking toilet paper! In the face of such a crisis, it may certainly feel as if society is going down the drain.

On that note, actor James Woods shared a tweet featuring two violinists playing in an aisle of empty grocery shelves while wearing life jackets, the morbid scene being a reenactment of the Titanic’s final moments.

Relax, folks. We’re going to be just fine.

Tom Tillison

Senior Staff Writer
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The longest-tenured writer at BizPac Review, Tom grew up in Maryland before moving to Central Florida as a young teen. It is in the Sunshine State that he honed both his passion for politics and his writing skills.
Tom Tillison

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