Unbeknownst to the naked eye, pun intended, famed left-wing attorney Alan Dershowitz is a wild and naughty man living his best life, or so he’d have you believe.
Speaking Thursday evening with Fox News host Laura Ingraham, he literally said he has a “perfect, perfect sex life.”
Oh my …
tired: “i’m pounding bro”
absolutely inspired: pic.twitter.com/2dJ8vO9RXG
— Brendan Karet 🚮 (@bad_takes) July 19, 2019
The remark was made during a discussion about David Boies, an attorney who’s representing some of notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s accusers. Two of of these accusers have also implicated Dershowitz in the billionaire’s misdeeds. FYI, he used to be one of Epstein’s attorneys.
“Harvard Law professor emeritus Alan Dershowitz has time and again denied allegations that he knew about and participated in Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell’s alleged child sex-trafficking operation,” Law & Crime notes.
“While alleged Epstein victim Virginia (Roberts) Giuffre claims that Dershowitz had sex with her while she was a minor and working for Epstein, Dershowitz has repeatedly and emphatically denied this, saying he’s never met Giuffre.”
Boies represents Giuffre. He also represents Sarah Ransome, another woman who claims she was forced to have sex with Dershowitz.
For months now Dershowitz and Boies have been trading verbal barbs over these allegations, with the famed liberal attorney claiming that the accusations aren’t rooted in reality but rather in Boies’ alleged attempts to ruin his reputation.
Speaking Thursday on FNC, he doubled down on this claim while also touting his “perfect sex life.”
“He has nothing [on me],” he said. “I have them on tape admitting his client was wrong, simply wrong, and that she couldn’t have been in the places where she claimed to have sex with me. Each of the accusers had said I didn’t do it and then they met David Boies and he change their minds. So they committed perjury after meeting David Boies. There’s no coincidence about that.”
“Look, Bois has about the worst record of ethical charges and ethical alleged violations of any prominent lawyer in American history. People have gone after him for everything. … He once paid money to a witness on a contingency fee. The better the outcome, the more money he would get. He was accused of having too close of a relationship with a client and giving her free legal advice.”
He does indeed have a horrible record.
— StanfordLaw (@StanfordLaw) November 9, 2017
“So why is he going after me?” Dershowitz continued. “I have to tell you, I have a theory. I think he’s projecting. David Boies has a terrible reputation for sexual activities. And I’ve issued a challenge to him.”
And here it comes:
“Look, I’ve had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he’s only had sex with one woman during that same period of time. He couldn’t do it. So he has an enormous amount of chuzpah to attack me and to challenge my perfect, perfect sex life during the relevant period of time.”
He added that he’s going to beat Boies and “beat him bad.”
Apparently, Dershowitz likes to talk dirty. Who knew!?
Watch the whole segment below, via FNC’s “The Ingraham Angle“:
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with what he said. Moreover, he has indeed been married to one woman, Carolyn Cohen, since 1986. Whether or not he’s been 100 percent faithful to her, on the other hand, only God knows, though Dershowitz certainly isn’t known for telling lies; rather, he’s known for exposing lies.
Nevertheless, hearing an 80-year-old man tout his “perfect, perfect sex life” was perfect fodder for the myriads of wannabe comedians and pun makers on social media.
Here’s just a sliver of their response:
My Perfect, Perfect Sex Life: Coming Soon on Fox
— Benjamin Dreyer (@BCDreyer) July 19, 2019
— Anand Giridharadas (@AnandWrites) July 19, 2019
You either die young or live long enough to tell Laura Ingraham about your perfect, perfect sex life from a book-lined study. pic.twitter.com/ykvhxFyPwb
— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) July 19, 2019
It’s come to this. One highly regarded law professor now defending his once-perfect sex life on Fox News. What a day. What a life.
— The Bannon Whisperer (@mbmk7) July 19, 2019
What’s a “perfect sex life?” Never heard of it.
— Theresa McCool (@mccoolth17) July 19, 2019
Wow, the first person EVER to have a “perfect, perfect sex life”. I’d be wiiling to bet your sex partner has a different take on your performance.
— Gayle Wood (@canyouguesswho2) July 19, 2019
To visualize his “perfect, perfect sex life” is to look into the abyss and know true, true terror.
— Jarrod Parker (@JarrodParker_) July 19, 2019
I knew the perfect amount about Alan Dershowitz’s sex life right up until the moment I thought about it for the first time.
— Dance: Ouch, Looks: Eh (@Andrew_3000) July 19, 2019
Did I hear you say a perfect, perfect sex life? I have no further questions for this witness.
— Anonymous (@tmartinson64) July 19, 2019
And what’s a, “perfect sex life”? It sounds cool. https://t.co/LRrrmXjPtI
— Donald Fart (@DonaldFart2017) July 19, 2019
I loved “My Perfect, Perfect Sex Life,” I still can’t believe they canceled it after just one season. https://t.co/VIsBYjEtPw
— Rebecca Traister (@rtraister) July 19, 2019
Friday challenge y’all: say under oath that you have a perfect, perfect sex life https://t.co/J4qZTIh7mL
— Annalisa Merelli (@missanabeem) July 19, 2019
America’s got jokes!
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