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10 Thanksgiving recipes that will scare the bejeezus out of any vegan organic-only eating yuppie lib

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Nothing says “America” like eating yourself into a coma. And then waking up and doing it all over again.

Thanksgiving only comes once a year. You owe it to yourself to indulge.

So forget the diet for a day. Put aside the garden salad. Have a whack at these beyond-decadent Thanksgiving recipes guaranteed to add a few inches to your waistline.

It’s what the pilgrims would have wanted.

Bacon-wrapped Turkey

Bacon-wrapped turkey. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube).

Pro tip: If you want to instantly make your meal more manly, wrap that sucker in bacon.

Turkey breast can be pretty dry. Solve that problem immediately by adding in the crunch, succulence, and greasy goodness of bacon.

Weaving bacon strips onto your bird isn’t as hard as you might think. Just follow the steps in this video. You can thank me later.

Minced Beef and Cheese Pie

Minced beef and cheese pie. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube)

Add some variety to your feast’s meat selection with some beef-filled pies. This hearty, gooey, artery-clogging dish is enough to make the most die-hard vegetarian’s mouth water.

The preparation is simple. Don’t listen to your doctor. You can’t go wrong with a meat and cheese combo.

Turducken

Turducken. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube).

You knew this was coming. Because nothing says overindulgence like three layers of fowl stuffed into one’s gastric passages.

If you thought turkey, duck, and chicken were good on their own, wait till you try them together!

Warning: the explosion of flavor may be too much for some eaters to handle. Cook this frankenbird at your own peril!

New England Clam Chowder

New England Clam Chowder. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube).

If you’re going to do soup, do it right. Get in touch with Thanksgiving’s New England roots by whipping up a warm bowl of creamy clam chowder.

And yes, the sourdough bread bowl is essential. It isn’t gorging if you can’t eat your own plate afterward.

Buttermilk Cornbread

Buttermilk cornbread. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube).

Just the sound of the word buttermilk is enough to imbue any recipe with an extra dimension of smoothness and richness.

Everyone loves cornbread. But your guests will be fighting to the death over a freshly-baked batch of these melt-in-your-mouth treats.

All you have to do is follow this recipe.

Deep Fried Bacon Cheddar Mashed Potatoes on a Stick

Deep fried bacon cheddar mashed potatoes on a stick. (Source: Screengrab/Youtube).

There is absolutely nothing in that name that is healthy. Deep frying carbs, slathering them in gooey cheddar cheese and topping them with crunchy bacon? Talk about instant heart attack.

And don’t forget the stick. The health hazard isn’t complete unless you’re eating your food impaled on a stick like a caveman.

Watch this and you’ll be all set.

Stuffing Waffles

Stuffing waffles. (Photo Credit: Screengrab/Youtube).

Yes, this is a thing. A glorious, glorious thing.

Whether you want to spruce up your dinner table or dispose of leftovers at breakfast time, stuffing waffles are a heavenly solution.

The idea is simple. Take your stuffing. Put it in a waffle iron. Heat until crisp. If that sounds too complicated, see this quick guide.

Canned Cranberry Sauce

There’s no deep, underlying meaning here. This is exactly what it sounds like. Just open up that can of cranberry sauce and let the entire gelatinous log slither out with a big “plop.”

Cranberry sauce always tastes better when you can still see the ridges from the can.

Cheesecake Sweet Potato (or Pumpkin) Pecan Pie

Cheesecake Sweet Potato (or Pumpkin) Pecan Pie. (Photo Credit: Screengrab/Youtube).

The perfect dessert for the indecisive. Not sure if you want to top off your meal with cheesecake, pecan pie, or sweet potato pie? Now you can have them all rolled into one!

Replace the sweet potato with pumpkin if so desired. This video will show you everything you need to do to make this delectable creation a reality.

You really can have your cake and eat it, too.

Salted Caramel Brownie Trifle

Salted Caramel Brownie Trifle (Photo Credit: Screengrab/Youtube).

We included this one on the list for all you chocolate lovers out there. The only downside to this moist, flavorful dessert: there won’t be any leftovers to take home.

See the video recipe.

Final Words

Yes, you’ll be hating yourself and praying for death by the time you’re done with this meal.

But isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?

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