Following the Supreme Court decision Friday that made same sex marriage legal in all 50 states, an Ohio minister found the courage to come out of the closet too — sort of.
David Vaughan, the senior minister at Whitewater Crossing Christian Church, posted an online blog on the church’s website declaring his intention to marry his true love, bacon.
“I’m tired of living in the shadows. It’s time to come out of the pantry closet,” he wrote.
“Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that everyone has a constitutional right to marry anyone (or anything), I have come to a huge decision. I have decided to marry bacon.”
— Whitewater Crossing (@WhitewaterOhio) June 27, 2015
Vaughan wrote that he has been preoccupied with pork since he was a 12-year-old, and because he isn’t Jewish and Jesus never specifically prohibited marrying the tasty trea, he’s within his rights, he wrote on his blog.
My wife has suspected it for quite some time. My family has accepted it. I hope you do too. In fact, I demand it, so don’t criticize me or be intolerant. That would be ‘ham’aphobic. This doesn’t hurt ‘non-bacon’ marriages in any way, and I’ve been reading all kinds of scientific journals that tell me it won’t hurt my children (bacon bits) either since they will be in a home of love.
My doctor has been telling me for a while that this lifelong affair I’ve had with pork will hurt me, but what does he know. If I do get hospitalized because of it, at least now the doctor and hospital can release medical records to my bacon buddy, and give me visitation rights since we are a legitimate family now.
The definition of Marriage has evolved like society, and I am so glad that now my sizzling union is protected by the Constitution, and promoted by my president. I may even flirt some with my new bride’s sister – turkey-bacon. I’m going to go hog wild.
I’ll proudly wear the LGBT label too. Loving Great Bacon Tremendously. It is a civil right and will lower the humiliation of others who have been ham-hiding. I’m also looking for a church that will accept bacon every day, and not just once in a while at the Saturday men’s breakfast. Studies and stats have shown that accepting me and my bacon will likely doom that church, but that’s alright. The church should comply with this and any other cultural shift.
That’s it. Just wanted you to know. I’ll be doing the ceremony downtown on Fountain Square. Probably during the Flying Pig. I feel so liberated now. Who knows, someday I may also re-identify myself as scrambled eggs to be a better match for bacon. But that would be ridiculous.
He’s right. It would be ridiculous.
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