For a Seattle-based megachurch, when it rains, it pours.
The founder of troubled Mars Hill Church was already forced to take a leave of absence over accusations of bullying leadership, plagiarism and financial irregularities.
Now, the church is taking new criticism over the Rev. Mark Driscoll’s writings from more than a decade ago have surfaced, arguing that God created woman to serve as a “very nice home” for a man’s penis.
“The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may see, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while …”
The church Driscoll founded as a Bible study 1996 has grown over the years to include 15 branch churches and tens of thousands of members. In the past six months, however, it has been buffeted by scandals, including the plagiarism allegations and accusations the church used member donations to buy a Driscoll book to push up its sales figures.
It recently announced plans to close at least three churches and lay off staff because declining attendance has taken a bite out of Sunday collections.
The newly publicized Driscoll writings — posted by a feminist blogger on the liberal Christian website Patheos — aren’t going to make matters any easier. They were originally posted to a church discussion board in 2001 under the pseudonym “William Wallace II,” which Driscoll has acknowledged using, and come across as odd under even the most charitable reading.
Frankly, he sounds like a weirdo.
“While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.”
And not the handyman special kind, either.
“Therefore, if you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not. And, though women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home. And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.
“Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.”
A couple of things here.
First of all, Driscoll has written that he used the pseudonym and the discussion board to argue with church critics.
Conservative Christians — and conservatives in general – have enough trouble trying to explain themselves. Megachurch pastors who write about human sexuality like they’re 14 years old – or like their audience is 14 years old – aren’t helping matters.
Second, you don’t need to be Thomas Aquinas to know that arguing that God created one half of humanity solely to serve the purpose of a relatively small portion of the other half is nonsense.
No real conservative man would believe that. And no real conservative woman (a proud bunch if ever there was one) would want him if he did.
On the good side, though, Driscoll can be pretty sure he won’t be accused of plagiarism for that garbage.
If he did plagiarize it, he ought to sue the dumb bastard he stole it from.
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