By George Noga
More Liberty, Less Government
We all know Santa Claus is an atherosclerotic, gluttonous white male dependent on an ageist, authoritarian hierarchy. Only children conforming to bourgeois capitalist values and moral absolutism receive gifts; they are brainwashed and seduced into a ruthless, exploitive, metastasizing consumerism.
‘Twas the night before Kwanzaa, when all through the land
Nary a worker was employed; they all were pounding sand;
Their resumes were prepared with the greatest of care
Though I promised government aid always would be there.
Gifts are thinly-disguised bribes intended to create life long addiction to conspicuous consumption thereby abetting greedy corporations. Disastrous byproducts of this giving run amok are mega-tons of CO2 and decimation of old-growth forests for superfluous wrapping paper. Don’t forget the spotted owls being sacrificed to extinction on the altar of unchecked greed.
Toys for gift-addled, dissipated tykes are manufactured at the North Pole by degendered, height-challenged elves permitted only civil unions. Production is in a hostile, post-colonial, non-union, right-to-work setting without OHSA protection. Workers are forbidden a union check-off and are saddled with anachronistic, iniquitious secret ballots. The reindeer work all night Christmas Eve in hostile conditions and are pitilessly denied legal representation.
The rubes in flyover land were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of guns and religion clung to their heads;
When from the scared voters soon there arose such a clatter
They just don’t get it; what possibly could be the matter?
The tectonic pressure to exchange gifts results in psychoses not covered by atavistic, rapacious insurance companies. Scrooge-like corporate robber barons, particularly avaricious Wal-Mart, brazenly lure unsuspecting shoppers with elaborate decorations, holiday music and (horrors) low prices – all sadistically designed to coerce uncontrolled spending. Many stores are so degenerate as to provide ersatz Santas to disingenuously confuse, coax and cajole consumerist brats into shaming parents to become enablers for their anti-proletarian lifestyle.
A Tale of Four Christmas Presents
Present 1: You buy a Christmas present for yourself with your money. This is the most felicitous of all gifts. Clearly, you know better than anyone what you want as well as your budget. Such gifts never are returned. It doesn’t get any better than this!
Present 2: You spend your money to buy a Christmas present for someone else. This is what we typically do at Christmas. Although parsimonious with your own money, you often are reduced to guesses about the needs and wants of others. Unsurprisingly, the lines to return gifts after Christmas attest to how poorly you fared.
More rapid than courtesans, my sycophants they came
With help from my teleprompter I called them each by name;
Now Nancy! Now Harry; now Fannie and Freddie
On Rahm! On Eric; on Biden and Barnie.
Present 3: You spend someone else’s money to buy a gift for yourself. Your Uncle Warbucks sends you a hefty check for Christmas with the proviso that you use it to buy a gift for yourself. Since you know your wants better than anyone else, your gift won’t be returned. However, when using OPM (other people’s money) the temptation is great to splurge and to buy something you never would with your own money.
Present 4: You buy a Christmas present for someone else with money supplied by a third party; say your employer gives you money to buy a present for a key customer. This places you in a position of spending money which is not yours on someone whose needs and wants you only can guess. You will be lucky to avoid a calamitous outcome and a feigned “thank you” by the recipient. This is the worst possible scenario.
As I sprang toward my chopper to my cabinet I gave a shout
I am the greatest of all and of that there can be no doubt;
Borrow and spend ’till the bumpkins appreciate their bonanza
And above all, never blame me and have a Good Kwanzaa!
Astute readers recognize the above four types of human consumption from Milton Freidman’s book Free to Choose. Present 1 always is the most efficient and satisfying. Government spending is at the level of present 4, i.e. the government takes money from those who earned it and distributes it to others (who did not earn it) based on what government considers best for the recipients. This always is the least efficient and satisfying for both individuals and society. Remember the Tale of the Four Christmas Presents the next time you want government to spend your money.
To all our readers: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from the More Liberty-Less Government Foundation!