Nuke the moon, and shoot the survivors with automatic weapons

If you ask me, the most epic rant in the history of the Internet, “Nuke the Moon,” was on the money, illustrating the fundamental truth of the old saw that reality is stranger than fiction.

BizPac Review readers probably already read on Drudge that, according to multiple news reports, U.S. officials in the 1950s seriously considered nuking the moon.

I read the old “Nuke the Moon” post in 2002 on Free Republic, and I’ve never forgotten it:

World peace cannot be achieved by sitting around on our duffs singing hippy songs to the moon. Peace can only be achieved through excessive acts of seemingly mindless violence. Who do bullies pick on in the playground? The giant, crazy looking guy who looks ready to snap and kill the person nearest or some harmless looking weenie who appears to do anything to avoid conflict? People pick on the weenie because people like to start fights they think they can win. In the same way, people will continue to attack America and our interests when they get the idea that they can piss off America without us immediately eradicating them and everyone around them in the most painful way possible.

Now the world will be pretty convinced that America is frick’n nuts and just looking for a fight, but we need to really ingrain it into everyone’s conscious so that no one will ever even contemplate crossing us. This requires making good use of our nukes. I know, nukes can kill millions of people, but they sure aren’t doing anyone any good just sitting around. I mean, how many years has it been since we last dropped a bomb on someone? No one even thinks we’ll actually use one now. Of course, using nukes shouldn’t be done haphazardly; all uses have to be well planned out because the explosions are so cool looking that we’ll want to give the press plenty of notice so they can get pictures of the mushroom cloud from all sorts of different angles. But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can’t we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, “Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonald’s before they think I don’t like them.”

Now all other countries will be completely freaked out and never even dream of messing with us. They’ll say the name of America with hushed whispers and always praise us in public for fear of reprisal. We’d be like an Old Testament god to them; perhaps they would even start worshiping us – actually, we should make that a condition of favored trade status.

Any conservative who hasn’t read this world-class rant needs to go right now to A Realistic Plan for World Peace a.k.a Nuke the Moon and read the entire post.

The irony of Frank J.’s original post is that his logic is inescapable. The kind of primal deterrence he’s talking about is exactly what the United States has been missing for decades.

Nuke ’em til they glow, baby  (says Jack, tongue firmly in cheek – of course).

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Jack Furnari

President at BizPac Review
Jack Furnari is a founding partner, writer and CEO of BizPac Review.

Latest posts by Jack Furnari (see all)

About Jack Furnari

Jack Furnari is a founding partner, writer and CEO of BizPac Review.

  • Janeen

    This was outstanding! I am heading over now to read the post! And though hysterical, Jack, I agree 100% with both you and Frank J!

  • TOK

    Seriously, this is awesome! Sorry Liberal pacifistic . . . you totally lose this argument!

  • http://www.WaiteEnterprises.com unclebuck18074

    Great Idea! It's kinda like attacking a stop sign with alot of gusto when you perceive a threat to yourself and others, It works. P.S. To nuke the moon might screw up the tides or something :) My stop sign would remain almost unscathed.

  • Starla

    I will always believe in peace through strength, always.

  • Mike Smollon

    Sounds like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. Chop off the arms of the children who have been inoculated. Nice.